Anxiety and Pregnancy

First and foremost, if you don't understand anxiety--then this will be hard for you to grasp. But I am going to type it out anyway.

Anxiety is weird. And hard. And doesn't make sense. I have had it quite a bit throughout my life and in different segments and experiences. But the real truth is. . . that even though your mind is haunting you with all of these thoughts and feelings that are so stupid and ridiculous---you still believe they are true. You know they aren't real, but yet your mind tells you otherwise. Its rather annoying actually. I have been on medication since I was about 17 and that has helped me a lot with dealing with my anxiety. I decided to go off of the medication for a couple of months because we were wanting to have a baby.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have wanted to be a mom. I remember in elementary school when it was career day--I went to school with a doll, dressed as a mom--because that is sincerely what I wanted to be. I had grown up having such a wonderful mother, and I only wanted to be just like her.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was not ecstatic, but I was happy. I expected to be jumping up and down, but I just was happy. I told my husband and we both were happy. Then I began to be very sick. The nausea. The non stop nausea. I didn't feel normal. I stopped feeling normal altogether.  I didn't like music anymore, I didn't like food anymore. All my life I had wanted this, and then all of a sudden I was thinking I can't do this! There is no way I can have a baby! I don't want the baby anymore. Just reverse it.  And I was completely serious. Now anyone that reads that, may think I am a horrible individual--but I don't know that I was. I don't know but that a lot of women have those same thoughts and feelings, but just never express them. My anxiety sky rocketed. Over the moon. I had panic attacks about making dinner. About dying. About every stupid thing you could imagine. I had no appetite. I felt sick all of the time, and frankly--wanted to put myself out of my misery. I'm surprised my sweet husband stuck with me. I was so sick and miserable. I felt so alone. I always knew it would be hard, but not that it would test me to my limits.

Luckily. . after 3 months, the thunderstorms slowly cleared. Slowly. And my sickness somewhat subsided. I had lost about 10-15 lbs, but somehow this baby inside of me was doing great.

I began to feel the baby kick at about 16 weeks, and I also found out that he was a boy. How on earth am I going to raise a boy? I know nothing about boys! I can barely figure my own husband out! These thoughts also raced through my mind. His kicks got harder, and I started to get bigger.

And here I am. Still on this roller coaster. I am halfway home to having this baby, and yet I still have anxiety. I am still scared. What if I can't make it? What if he doesn't make it? What if I can't sleep? What if my heart stops? What if. What if. See? Anxiety is stupid and pointless.

And I want people out there to know that I'm not perfect. I want to be honest.  That I am not one of those women who is going to be all excited and empowered about being pregnant. I don't always feel like I am giving life--heck, I have felt like I was slowly dying. But somehow. . .  this is okay. God knows what He is doing, even if I don't. I have wanted this for so long, and all of sudden--I realize, that growing up and doing adult things is harder. But this. This is hardest for me. This is one of the main reasons we come to this earth. To reach our full potential, and we cannot do that without our posterity, our children. I want so badly to reach that potential.

I'm just an honest girl who doesn't have life at all figured out--except that God is real. He is there. I don't understand a lot of anything, but I know there is a supreme being who tests us and tries us because we need to grow and become more like Him. And the best part lately?

I want to hold my son in my arms. I am finally falling in love with him. Thank you God.

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Over a Weekend

I haven't written in awhile. But I have not been sure what to write about. Life has been dull. Boring. Normal. And I couldn't find a lot of good to write about. This was my fault of course, but it was still the reason.

On Tuesday afternoon, I left work in a terrible mood. I had been wrongly belittled by someone I worked with, and it greatly hurt my feelings. Someone had been having a bad day, and decided to take it out on someone else. That was hard. I went and worked out for about 45 minutes at the gym to rid my anger and hurt. As I walked home, my husband came and picked me up. He informed me that he had been laid off of his job. I was numb. I had already been in a cloudy depression for nearly a week, and this just added to it.

The next two days were terrible. I was scared for my marriage, my job, and my home. Depression, whether great or small, is like what Jeffrey Holland described as  "an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person's ability to function fully." I felt like I could not function fully for several days. It wasn't my husband's fault that he had lost his job, and it wasn't mine.  How does one get rid of the cloudy glasses that come over your eyes during a depression? I still am not sure, but I know that I have been blessed. My husband, though frustrated, helped me. He forced me to get out of bed and go on a bike ride with him around town. I have had no desire to do anything lately, and this was much needed. I needed to feel the cool breeze in my hair and the sunshine on my face, even if I was still somewhat numb to it. Thank you Rhett. I am sorry life has been so difficult lately.

General Conference weekend has obviously given me hope and courage. Faith is what is needed during trials, and this will take away our fears. We will get a job, and it will be where the Lord wants us to be. But that doesn't make it less scary to me.

Friday night, we went to a BYU football game gone wrong. It was depressing, and afterwards, my husband, siblings, cousins, and I went to Smith's at 1:00 in the morning, and bought comfort food (ie-ice cream, pizza, soda) and wallowed away our football sorrows watching Studio C and eating until 2 AM.

Saturday afternoon, Becky came over and I wanted to have a "girl's night" so badly, because the priesthood brethren were headed out for their session. I took her on a bike ride, and we rode down memory lane--past our grandparent's old home--where we used to sit on the lawn, play in the ditch, accidentally step on prickly chestnuts, and eat grapes right off the vine.

 

 We then rode over to the old elementary school (Maeser) where I first learned to ride my bike when I was a young girl. Becky took a picture of me, and I told her how mad and scared I was when Dad took me to this school parking lot and would let go of my bike, to see if I could keep going. I would get so scared every time he let go. This made me think of one of my favorite songs from Mindy Gledhill--listen to, or read the lyrics, and tell me if you can see the relationship between us and our Heavenly Father.

The air feels feather-light

Against my apple cheeks in the driveway
I try to balance right
And push the pedals as I

Ride
You by my side
Holding on for dear life
With the sun in my eyes 
And with all of your love you let go of
My little red bike

I trace a figure eight
And fall to pieces on the pavement
You scoop me up and say
Life's meant to be this way so get up and 

Ride
You by my side
Holding on for dear life
With the sun in my eyes 
And with all of your love you let go of
My little red bike

I brace the handlebars
And coast against the breeze
I'm chasing after cars
While time is chasing after me and I

Ride
You by my side
Holding on for dear life
With the sun in my eyes 
And with all of your love you let go of
My little red bike

This song...makes my bad week make sense. I am the little girl on that bike. Pedaling onward, and Heavenly Father stays by our side, but He has to let us go, so that we can become better. So that we can fall, cry, and grow up. . so that we can get back up again and Try. And be better. My depression, my anxiety, my husband's lack of employment is only temporary in this life, and this is a test from Heavenly Father who loves me. I need to put my trust in the Savior's healing balm, and more faith in my Father in Heaven's plan for me. 



Becky and I ended up going to the mall, and having a fun night. We all went out to a movie after the boys came home, and this morning, I finished up making our General Conference Cinnamon Rolls. One day at a time. Breathe in and out. 

                                                        Becky and I for our girls night.

                                     The boys after their priesthood session...playing Mario..

And remember that Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father know you and love you. God is aware of our circumstances, but.. how aware are we of God in our circumstances? 

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What does He have in mind?

"I just don't want to talk about it right now? Okay?!" My lower lip trembled as I tried not to cry. Rhett was driving me home after a very crazy day at work. Things hadn't gone well and I had to stay later to fix problems. I was then informed by my husband that we were going to have to move because he was taking a year off of school. I love my home. I love Wymount. I never thought I would, but I fell in love with the little neighborhood between the apartment buildings, the little kiddies that would walk by on the pavement and the safe surroundings. I was upset. Too upset. I ran into my apartment, tore off the cute sign on our front door and crawled into my bed and cried. It felt like everything I loved was being taken away from me. I didn't want to move. I wanted to stay there until we finished school. I wouldn't speak to my husband for several hours. I admit it was very childish, but my emotions were overflowing with anger, sadness and disappointment. 

I lay in my bed, looking at the ever darkening walls around me. I loved this home. It became ours. And now I had to leave. I refused. I wouldn't let it happen. But I knew I had no choice. I blamed my husband. My sadness and anger boiled inside of me and my heart ached. I looked over to my string of stuffed animals along the side of my wall and saw a framed picture that my family had given me. It had a picture of a girl looking out thoughtfully with the saying of "Don't Cry Because It's Over. Smile Because It Happened."  Despite how awesome this well thought out quote from Dr. Seuss was, I was not going to smile because of this. I had every right to be angry and upset and mad. But perhaps not to stay that way. My husband needed my love and support, and I couldn't even stand to be in the same room with him.

It took a day or two for this rift that I had created between us to dissolve. I had my time to mourn and to be sad, but I had to get over it and we began looking immediately for places to live. That first Saturday we looked at 8 or 9 apartments or homes. I was exhausted, but we found one that we loved. The apartment felt right. We put in an application and were eager to move in. But we didn't get the place. Someone else had beat us to the chase and we were left to search again. Finding a place to live is not easy. It has to feel right, be affordable and I felt like half of the places lacked in at least one of those areas. It was either too dumpy or too expensive. As the second Saturday loomed around, we started again and looked at 5 or 6 places. I came back home from this search exhausted and very discouraged. I took to my bed again and before I fell asleep, I looked up several new listings on Craigslist and told Rhett to call them to set up appointments. Before I knew it, I was in a deep sleep. Rhett let me sleep and took the rest of our housing consultants (my cousin and two siblings) with him to look at one of the places I gave to him. 

As they drove to the apartment complex, my cousin and siblings were surprised. It was the same apartment complex that we had lived in as a family when we were little kids. They walked up to the apartment listed and the lady directed them downstairs to another apartment which was the one that was going to be available. They couldn't believe it. It was the Exact same apartment we had lived in. When they came home and told me, a weird feeling entered my heart. I can't even explain it. I felt like crying, but I couldn't.  It felt like it was too weird and incredible to pass up. The apartment was extremely within our budget and actually had an extra bedroom. I wanted to go back and look at it for myself. 

I walked in--and the little kids on the floor playing made me think of my family. Two of my siblings were born during the time we lived in this home. I knew this place..very well. I can close my eyes now and picture us pulling off the covers on my parents bed unbeknownst to my mother and jumping on the bed from their dresser. I could picture all 5 of us kids in our two bunk beds in one room. My dad on the couch watching the Discovery Channel with us. My mom in the kitchen turning up her music and singing. It left me feeling extremely melancholy all day. 

We are moving into the apartment at the end of May. It is very true that God Works in Mysterious Ways. I never would have dreamed about moving back into this apartment, but it just fit. Heavenly Father gave us a gift--a tender mercy--a miracle--and despite my worries, I knew we had to take it. That weird feeling I felt when they told me it was our old place--it was like Heavenly Father was saying "Okay, here is something for you. Something that will be special to you. You better take it you ding-dong. Quit complaining and move forward. Everything doesn't have to be Perfect."  

It is hard to put your trust in God when hard things come up. It is through these trying times that we either make or break ourselves. I could choose to be bitter at my husband for making us move. But what good would that do?? None. I could choose to be upset because my life is not going as I planned, but when I look back at it--my life never ever goes as planned. It is better. It is harder. And it is wonderful. Don't let negative things in your life break you. Let them Make you. 

I will miss our Wymount ward and home so much. The year we have had here has been wonderful, and I will definitely "Smile Because It Happened." Things don't have to go as planned, and they won't. I am amazed at how much I have to learn. 

I am not perfect. I still am not sure what the future holds, but I will try my best to breathe and let God direct my path. 

 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." ~Proverbs 3:5-6

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Tender Tender Mercies

You hear that phrase often in mormon culture--tender mercies--but what does that actually mean? My Dad is a great example of one who looks for these "tender mercies," but he likes to call them "little Miracles" which I believe is quite fitting when you think about it.
Do we see the things that God brings into our everyday lives? Do we notice that coincidence is never coincidence?
Are we fascinated by the little things in life that truly make up the big picture? I know that I sometimes catch glimpses of these, and I would like to share with you a tender mercy and sweet story.

I work at an assisted living community where I help the older people with activities. I love the job despite how much hard work it requires. On Saturdays, I am in charge of all of the activities for the day. It is harder than it sounds. I have to set up all of the bingo tables by myself within 20 minutes and I have hardly any time to clean it up because the next activity starts. It just requires a lot of running around on my part, which is okay. . . but it is terrible when you are sick. I have had a beastly cold and was dreading coming to work on Saturday.

I woke up early Saturday morning with a sore throat and my voice was pretty much shot. How on earth am I going to survive this day? How can I possibly call out for bingo with my voice? I thought to myself. I begged my siblings and my husband to come and help me, but they had so much to do. I was discouraged and sick, but I went to work nonetheless.

My mind had been racing the night before---what could I do to make the day easier? How should I set up the chairs and the tables? What can I do to make it better? I tried my best to prepare for the upcoming activities and was able to set up for bingo.

This may sound like the most ridiculous thing in the world, but this really was very hard for me. I used to have several volunteers that would come and help me out during Saturday which was so helpful. I haven't seen a volunteer in several months now. . and then about 5 minutes before bingo starts, a volunteer walks in. She used to come in and help me several months earlier, so it was very nice to see a familiar face. She agreed to call out for bingo, especially when she heard my voice. I told her over and over how much I appreciated her and how she really was an answer to my prayers.

She called out for bingo and took down all of the tables and put them away. She also set the chairs up as I had to leave for the next activity. She was my own little miracle, my own little tender mercy that day and her kindness really affected me---I walked down the halls of the assisted living community with a lighter step and in my heart, thanked my Heavenly Father because I knew that He was aware of me, even the small little things in my life. It meant a lot to me.

Monday night I was browsing Facebook and noticed someone post a picture of the BYU student who was killed from an avalanche late Saturday afternoon. I had heard about it. Suddenly, my eyes zoomed back onto the picture. The girl looked just like my volunteer. . and her name was the same. She had been in an avalanche hours after I had seen her at work. And she was no longer alive.

I turned away from the computer and took several deep breaths.

How could someone who had made such a difference in my life for an hour or two, pass beyond this world several hours later? It is an unreal feeling.

This experience has stayed in my mind and heart these past several days. Her name was Ashleigh Cox. She was a great volunteer and she was an angel for me that day. She helped me realize that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and is aware of the things going on in my life. God does work in mysterious ways. My prayers are with the Cox family at this time, and I am so grateful that Ashleigh decided to wake up early on a Saturday morning and help me, because it made a huge difference to me.

Thank you Heavenly Father.

Just think about all of the amazing things we miss out on everyday because we are so caught up in ourselves. God is real and He loves all of His children. Look for those Miracles or Tender Mercies in your life. They are there, and they will change you.

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Love and Marriage

I decided it is about time to write my feelings about my marriage.

I was engaged about two years ago to an amazing guy. His name was not Rhett Rogers. It was right-I felt it confirmed, and then it fell to pieces when a guy named Rhett walked into my life. He was a young man in my home evening group. He told me he thought I was cute, and butterflies started to form in my stomach.

My engagement was broken off and I was left hurting and confused. Every night when I went to bed, I readily turned out the light because I didn't want to have to think anymore because I was so confused and broken. I remember crying myself to sleep, hoping that the next day would be easier.

I will be honest: I never thought that things would go anywhere with Rhett Rogers. I expected it would be a fling and nothing else.

My parents were confused with me, my friends didn't understand and I felt terrible. I didn't want to hurt anyone-especially the young man I had been engaged to, but I knew that I had. 

It is hard to love yourself when you feel completely lost. I started to come back to life after weeks and months of confusion and numbness. 

Life was feeling better. Rhett and I were surprisingly still together. It didn't make sense to me.

I need to go ahead and tell you about the challenge I had through this entire ordeal. I have always experienced some form of anxiety and OCD, partly because it runs in my family. My mind interlocks on things and cannot easily them go. 

When my engagement was falling apart, I felt like I had no one to turn to. My closest friend did not understand what I was going through, and in doing so, I felt like I was a disgrace to her. My family was confused and upset with me. 

My anxiety continued to spike throughout all of this. I was confused. Why would Heavenly Father send me a confirmation about my fiancé and then have it fall apart?   I needed direction and guidance, not coldness and bitterness from the ones I wanted love from. 

Somehow, after the Winter, came the Spring. Life continued on. And Rhett was still there. He never left my side. My anxiety didn't go away--in fact, it got worse. I worried that I would never have the courage to get married to anyone because of all of my doubts. I worried that I would not have all of these amazing confirmations and things that I had heard about from my friends.

Rhett and I became best friends. We loved each other and he especially helped me with my anxiety. He wanted to help me, and my family appreciated this along with myself. I would sometimes stay up at night in a panic because I didn't know the future, I didn't know what was ahead--and it was scary.

But things...just fell into place. Things progressed. I love the scripture in 2nd Nephi 28 "For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little. ."  I feel like this scripture illustrates so many things in each of our lives, and I know it did in my courtship and engagement with Rhett. Eventually, it was just time--I was ready, and he was evermore ready to be married. 

He proposed to me near the bell tower at BYU amidst a delicious picnic and a bunch of hungry ducks. I felt like I was going to throw up because I was so full of anxiety when he asked me. 

We were sealed in the St. George temple July 12, 2013 and it was a wonderful decision. We were overwhelmed with the love and help that we received from our dear family and friends. It was a very busy, but amazing time. The spirit was strong and I knew that this was a good thing. I might not have received a lightning strike from heaven telling me "THIS IS THE ONE!" but I knew that if Rhett and I were both doing what was right that the Lord approved. Others contended with me on this subject,  but I still feel very strongly about it. 

My life has not been a perfect Fairytale since we got married, but it has been full. Full of dragons and demons to fight alongside together. . Full of happiness and giggling and reading bedtime stories. Full of sadness and hope and joy. It is Life, and it is Wonderful. 

I am so grateful that I am married to Rhett Marshall Rogers. He can drive me off the wall sometimes, but I love him all the same. Things have not gone the way that I planned, but things have gone the way that God planned. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are real and They will help us everyday if we only turn to Them. 

Happy 6 months my Sweetheart. My speckled Frog. I love you. 

Sincerely,

Kristalyn CS Rogers

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Know, Live, Love

This past weekend I went to a concert. The band's name was Boyce Avenue. I had been there before and to the same place. It is called In the Venue. It is located in Salt Lake. The minute I got in line, I nearly coughed from the people smoking next to me.
I realized I was going to a place where there would be different standards, but yet I didn't. I hadn't heard swearing in such a long time, that it brought me back to reality. The reality of the world.
My boyfriend and I went and sat up in he balcony. A long line of people started heading our way. I realized that they were in line for alcohol. The concert would not start for another hour but the amount of people to grab a beer greatly surprised me.
The concert finally started and we had a wonderful time. I was still struck by the people that got more beer and refills for their alcohol. I was surprised that they could even walk straight.
All of my life, I have been taught to live the Word of Wisdom, and I have done that proudly, without temptation. This night was no exception. My boyfriend and I almost felt like the outcasts because we weren't drinking and swearing. I was proud to be one of the sober ones at the concert.
Living the Word of Wisdom brings us closer to Heavenly Father and allows us to live better and healthier. The next day was Fast Sunday, and I bore my testimony of the recent events--because I am SO SO So grateful for the standards of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I can be in the world but not of it!



Ever since I was little, I knew that the gospel was true. I knew the church was the vehicle in which to bring the truth to others. Despite my doubt, I have moved forward and don't know where I would be without the gospel today. I Know the Gospel is Truth.
I have tried my best to Live the Gospel in my life. I have had wonderful examples--my parents, siblings, family and friends. Living the gospel doesn't just mean not taking a beer. It means so much more than that. Living the gospel is an ongoing process that takes place for the rest of our lives. Living the gospel means living the way that Jesus Christ would live. It means doing your family history work, waking up at 2 in the morning to help your father and grandfather, it means enduring to the end and having faith that God has a plan for you.
Knowing and Living the Gospel is wonderful, and I realized that it brings true joy. It brings a love for the gospel that I had never known. I Love the gospel. I love the teachings and principles that it brings. I know that I have so much more to learn. So much more to gain, and to endure. I am grateful that my testimony could be strengthened so strongly at a rock concert. Who knew that God would be there to impress my heart?
I am so thankful for the gospel. I know that it is the truest church on the earth. Doubts and fears come into my mind, but 
"I Believe in Christ, so Come What May. . ."

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I know it. I live it. I love it. 

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Compare

You can't compare yourself to anyone. People have told me this for years. And yet I can't grasp  the concept. When friends of mine would get a new car or life was going well for them, I felt that my life was incomplete. It hasn't changed. Elder Holland's good words "We are not Diminished when someone else is added upon," was a powerful statement to me, and yet it is hard for me to comprehend.
I could say it is just because I have had friends that are petty and show themselves off, and whether that is true or not, it doesn't matter.
This all ties back into the Small Fish in a Big Sea post I blogged about a year ago. It is so easy to get lost in a world of many good people. But we were never meant to be lost. It is easy to count your weaknesses against others strengths, but would Heavenly Father do the same? Would He judge us by comparing us to others? I indeed hope not. Wouldn't that be a depressing judgement day.
Heavenly Father looks at us individually. He doesn't compare us to others.
I admit that I have yet to still be comfortable in my own skin. To love myself as I should. It has taken me years but I will continue to try my best to understand that I don't need to be like anyone else except for myself.
 I have crazy wavy red hair and it will never be straight unless you tackle it for an hour with a straightener. I like to sing and dance when I get really happy and no one can stop me. I like to laugh and be silly and tease others. I like to be poor and have an old car that I paid for and am trying to sell again. I have a family who is crazy and fun but keep me sane all the while. I have a boyfriend who won't Give Up On me, despite my fears and anxiety, and I love him for this. This is MY life. My Story. I would be very sad to pick up a novel and have all of the princess fairytales be the same. Because they aren't. And Life isn't a Fairytale. Life is a Beautiful Journey with stumbles and bumps along the road. Perhaps there will be moments of Fairytale in our Life, and won't that be wonderful...but it won't come by comparing ourselves to others.
Learn to be Happy With Who You Are. Not everyone has to like you, but Learn to like yourself. 
Sincerely,
Kristalyn

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