Over a Weekend

I haven't written in awhile. But I have not been sure what to write about. Life has been dull. Boring. Normal. And I couldn't find a lot of good to write about. This was my fault of course, but it was still the reason.

On Tuesday afternoon, I left work in a terrible mood. I had been wrongly belittled by someone I worked with, and it greatly hurt my feelings. Someone had been having a bad day, and decided to take it out on someone else. That was hard. I went and worked out for about 45 minutes at the gym to rid my anger and hurt. As I walked home, my husband came and picked me up. He informed me that he had been laid off of his job. I was numb. I had already been in a cloudy depression for nearly a week, and this just added to it.

The next two days were terrible. I was scared for my marriage, my job, and my home. Depression, whether great or small, is like what Jeffrey Holland described as  "an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person's ability to function fully." I felt like I could not function fully for several days. It wasn't my husband's fault that he had lost his job, and it wasn't mine.  How does one get rid of the cloudy glasses that come over your eyes during a depression? I still am not sure, but I know that I have been blessed. My husband, though frustrated, helped me. He forced me to get out of bed and go on a bike ride with him around town. I have had no desire to do anything lately, and this was much needed. I needed to feel the cool breeze in my hair and the sunshine on my face, even if I was still somewhat numb to it. Thank you Rhett. I am sorry life has been so difficult lately.

General Conference weekend has obviously given me hope and courage. Faith is what is needed during trials, and this will take away our fears. We will get a job, and it will be where the Lord wants us to be. But that doesn't make it less scary to me.

Friday night, we went to a BYU football game gone wrong. It was depressing, and afterwards, my husband, siblings, cousins, and I went to Smith's at 1:00 in the morning, and bought comfort food (ie-ice cream, pizza, soda) and wallowed away our football sorrows watching Studio C and eating until 2 AM.

Saturday afternoon, Becky came over and I wanted to have a "girl's night" so badly, because the priesthood brethren were headed out for their session. I took her on a bike ride, and we rode down memory lane--past our grandparent's old home--where we used to sit on the lawn, play in the ditch, accidentally step on prickly chestnuts, and eat grapes right off the vine.

 

 We then rode over to the old elementary school (Maeser) where I first learned to ride my bike when I was a young girl. Becky took a picture of me, and I told her how mad and scared I was when Dad took me to this school parking lot and would let go of my bike, to see if I could keep going. I would get so scared every time he let go. This made me think of one of my favorite songs from Mindy Gledhill--listen to, or read the lyrics, and tell me if you can see the relationship between us and our Heavenly Father.

The air feels feather-light

Against my apple cheeks in the driveway
I try to balance right
And push the pedals as I

Ride
You by my side
Holding on for dear life
With the sun in my eyes 
And with all of your love you let go of
My little red bike

I trace a figure eight
And fall to pieces on the pavement
You scoop me up and say
Life's meant to be this way so get up and 

Ride
You by my side
Holding on for dear life
With the sun in my eyes 
And with all of your love you let go of
My little red bike

I brace the handlebars
And coast against the breeze
I'm chasing after cars
While time is chasing after me and I

Ride
You by my side
Holding on for dear life
With the sun in my eyes 
And with all of your love you let go of
My little red bike

This song...makes my bad week make sense. I am the little girl on that bike. Pedaling onward, and Heavenly Father stays by our side, but He has to let us go, so that we can become better. So that we can fall, cry, and grow up. . so that we can get back up again and Try. And be better. My depression, my anxiety, my husband's lack of employment is only temporary in this life, and this is a test from Heavenly Father who loves me. I need to put my trust in the Savior's healing balm, and more faith in my Father in Heaven's plan for me. 



Becky and I ended up going to the mall, and having a fun night. We all went out to a movie after the boys came home, and this morning, I finished up making our General Conference Cinnamon Rolls. One day at a time. Breathe in and out. 

                                                        Becky and I for our girls night.

                                     The boys after their priesthood session...playing Mario..

And remember that Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father know you and love you. God is aware of our circumstances, but.. how aware are we of God in our circumstances?